The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree they say and they would be correct.
Seems like this time of year the “Rohr Side” starts getting fidgety and anxious. I guess it is spring fever and even though I have been outside the snow belt for nearly a decade and a half, I can’t help but feel the need to change.
The older I get the less undulations I experience and the predictability of these feelings and their resolutions have become a welcome addition to the cycle that is my life. It used to be sweeping changes were in order but I quickly learned that major changes take a toll on the body mind and spirit and those types of declarations are better left said than done. None the less, I am making changes but they are more mere course corrections than destination changes.
As I sit in my newly appointed office in our home listening to Emily sooth herself to sleep with her version of Itsy Bitsy Spider I am reminded that the worst of my days are really the best of what could have been. What a privilege it is to be able to ponder, to ask what, to dream, to consider options. I sit comfortably with my back to the world with no trepidation or angst that something could slip up behind me and end it all. I live in the best of times and even though the worst of times are just beyond my awareness, I purpose to make the most of the gift of peace that has been given me. Perspective is everything and as I consider the fate of thousands in Japan and Libya suddenly my “problems” are in search for another noun. They really aren’t problems as much as they are choices and I would do well to remember that better.
My choices seem to filter down to but a few and have done that for as long as I can recall feeling one needed to be made. The issue with these choices has always been one of economics which really is a poor thing to be making decisions by. Economics are important but their weight always appears larger on the scale when it comes to my thinking. I trade financial security for happiness all to readily primarily because my understanding of financial hardship growing up was always from a place of lack. That is not an indictment on my past, it is a realization that I could not see the hand of provision that sustained us for what it was.
That is a difficult world view to overcome especially as my daughter sings Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in the room down the hall. Providing is such an important value that I often get confused on just who is providing. I take for granted that my expertise in Information Technology or Music or Graphic Design is really not my source and even though I have moments of recognizing God provides, I quickly fall back to depending on me. I don’t like to use the word, but it feels like I can’t or won’t launch blindly into the thing that brings me life at the perceived or real chance that it will take a quality of life away from those I love.
Like that little one singing I’ve got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy Down in my Heart from two rooms down, there is simply nothing I would hold back for her, her sister, her brother, her mother if it means they have it better. I can put up with quite a bit if my discomfort increases their comfort and especially when the discomfort I feel is primarily emotional. However, my overall happiness is also tied directly to their comfort level because if I am angry and agitated and out of rest no amount of financial gain can make up for that. They have to live with me and when I see the cup as half empty, I tend to insist everyone else agree with my assessment. Again, my worst days would gladly be traded by a large percentage of the world so I cringe a little giving myself the liberty to express it this way but I must express it because this is the life my forefathers struggled for.
Just as I would do anything for the little one who should be napping right now but is barking like a dog and blowing kisses to herself, the hopes and dreams of all that have come before me is depending on me becoming fully me. They dreamed and moved from generation to generation to make a better life for their family. The drive is always for better and ultimately that leads to dreaming which leads to things that can only be attained in times of peace and plenty.
So I dream and fight to see these dreams become real in me.
For all those that have come before me, I struggle to realize my dreams.
They are depending on me.